Olympics are coming! – So What?

Olympic Park

Olympics are coming! – So What? Maybe a bit harsh for a title because these athletes are exceptional but that’s part of my point.

When I grew up, if I ever did, I was fed the line about fairness and doing the right thing, etc. Of course the rumors of fairness in the Olympics follows the same track as fairness in a lot of things we Americans are supposed to believe in. That’s why for instance, we use tanks with multi-layers of specialized armor against those with tanks say designed in the 1950s – 70s, or those that shoot bottle rockets, but I digress.

The Olympics generally runs along the same lines, for example, children barely old enough to be out of diapers and walking are pulled aside and measured to see if they are going to be relatively small or large when they grow up. Then if all body parts are present the parents begin by waking the children up at 3am, telling them to either put on a unitard and skates, swim trunks, boxing shorts and or track shoes. Then they practice at some facility designed to enhance every body movement, treat every injury and practice their specialty until they drop. Next the kid eats a genetically modified highly specialized breakfast and sent off to school and told they better get good enough grades so they can continue the same fun filled regimen after school which began for them at 4am.

The child not really sure yet why they are in these programs, is filled full of pep talks about how many great things are in store for them and how much their country & parents will be proud of them if they just manage to win a medal in some foreign competitive sport. Still not really sure yet, they begin to look around and notice how much more clumsy, heavier, weaker and slower their classmates are and begin to catch the ‘gold dust fever’. That’s when the kid goes on auto pilot for the next 10 to 16 years and trains for every minute of their waking day, apart from their school work and maybe a little boy or girl hanky-panky. After awhile they find they either have time for hanky or panky but not both.

This is where I propose we abolish the whole idea of the current way we run the Olympics and really bring them back to the amateur status they claim they are. First, if anyone starts training as a gymnast or an equestrian by the age of 3, ice skater or pole vaulter by age 4, they are automatically eliminated. What I suggest we do is institute an Olympics draft board. No one knows until they are about 16 they have the possibility of being selected. Only those with say club foot, cross eyes or battling cancer are ineligible. Everyone that can go is given a draft number.

Except those children which we know will become conscientious objectors or must start out by age 14 to compete against the Chinese, which we all know will cheat,  all will be issued a random draft number and thus be called up to serve our glorious father / mother / yo mother land…

Every country will abide by these rules and the International Olympics Committee will ensure they are followed. We know they have done a good job in the past and have been specially mindful of disqualifying countries that break those rules.

There will also be a side benefit to drafting future athletes, no one will want their son or daughter to become fat and sit down in front of their favorite video game eating a bag of chips. Michelle Obama will like this idea because it helps  fulfill her life long goal of scolding other people for not raising their kids with a jump rope and track shoes on hand.

So, you see we can get back to the original idea of amateur competitive sports and laugh when an archer accidentally shoots a passing toboggan or a weight lifter pants fall down because they haven’t lost all of their belly fat during the 8 week weight lifting boot camp training course.

Think of all the benefits to my idea, kids will be in slightly better shape, the President’s wife will be happier and may have to talk about things like curtailing drive by shootings and less swearing in schools. More athletic gear will be sold and maybe we can open up a domestic uniform manufacturer instead of having all of them made in China and we might even get a few chuckles if someone shows up to track competition in ice skates.

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